Thursday, April 4, 2013

If You See Me Tomorrow, You Better Have a Starbucks Chai For Me.

This is how it all started...

A dress from Costco featuring triplet girls. Even though it isn't our style per se, it IS triplet girls and looks like 2 identical and a fraternal.  It would basically be a sin against nature for us to not have these dresses.   In fact the fabulous ladies from my GGG (girl girl girl- no porn intent) triplet group are all going gaga and picking them up to mail to those who don't live by Costco.  One especially brave soul had to call her local Costco and ask them to set aside like 30 dresses in various sizes for her to pick up.

The plan was to meet some friends at Paradise Valley Mall and then later on meet K-dog (my gimp of a mother) who has a Costco card, and go get these bad boys. The first hour and a half was pretty normal. The kids wouldn't play at the play land and just wanted to hold me but honestly that's been the case for the last month so it seemed normal. About noon we all headed to the food court. K-dog met us there and we got the kids some fries and chicken. We took up a huge table in the middle of the place with our 7 kids and 4 adults. Everyone got themselves and their brood situated and started eating.

Then, out of nowhere Annecy starts vomiting EVERYWHERE. I bolt outta my chair and go try and hold her already saturated dress under her. It was an exercise in futility, given the volume. Well mid-barf I hear my mom say "JENN" with that particular tone that says it's important. I look to the chair to my left and Marie-Pierre is now also vomiting all over the food court. Luckily I have basically the greatest friends ever and they just watched and kept eating. No problem. The other patrons of this food court establishment, however, were not as non-plussed. Jerks, as if I ruined their lunch or something! Oh, wait...

At some point they stopped vomiting and all the adults were running around getting napkins, keeping other kids out of the puke etc. I took off their dresses and got them all cleaned up and the area around us as clean as I could. I left them there, naked, while I ran to Childrens Place to at least get them t-shirts. Got back, put a T-shirt (no pants mind you) on Marie-Pierre, turned and put a shirt on Annecy when I hear K-dog calling my name again and coming toward me. Marie had gone to mingle with other diners and there was now a small river of the white-diarrhea-of-death rolling down her pants-less legs in the middle of the food court. ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?! If this mall hadn't already decided to ban us I am sure they have now. There are probably very large signs with our pictures under a big NO symbol.

After cleaning up my diarrhea kid we high-tailed it outta there. The thing is, I HADN'T GOTTEN THE DRESSES YET!!!! So me, my gimpy mother and my children, 2 of whom HAVE NO PANTS ON, walked over to Costco to find the dresses. Good news is that we found them. Bad news is they were in piles in absolutely NO order and we had to dig through literally every single dress on the table to find the right size. We got the last 2Ts they had. We thought we were pretty awesome until we started to walk away and a VERY GRUMPY worker came up right behind us and started folding the clothes on the tornado-hit table that we had just unfolded. I tried to apologize and told her we were just trying to find the right sizes. She was not amused. So we hung our heads in shame and began to slink away when, at that perfect moment, Marie-Pierre and Eloise each grab an entire stack of clothes from another table and pull them all to the ground. At that point we didn't slink away, we ran as fast as we could, even with no pants on.

It was a triple check day:

Ruin dozens of people's lunch with your bodily functions- check

Piss of workers at Costco- check

Prove how white trash you are by not wearing pants in public- check.

(Does it worry anyone else that all of my most exhilarating days include sick and poop?)

While preparing this post for publish Annecy was in her room crying.  I finally went to get her and was immediately puked all over.  Luckily she missed her own clothes but in the process managed to wake up Eloisie Lemon Sqeezy and they are now out laying on the couches. So...



  1. I don't Think I'll Stop Laughing For Quite Some Time. And Stop Calling Your Mom A Gimp! :)

  2. K-Dog is the best mom and sooner or later we turn into gimps!
    Aunt Lynette

  3. K-Dog is the best mom and sooner or later we turn into gimps!
    Aunt Lynette