Thursday, March 10, 2011

Pop! Goes The Weasel, No, The Water

In my ever thrilling stay at NYP, as the homies call it, I have had basically nothing happen. Well, that changed. Starting on February 15th I was leakin' some clear stuff outta "down there." It was not a ton but was way more stuff coming out than was normal. The doc had a look and was absolutely certain it was not amniotic fluid. In his defense he did a swab and it was negative. However, given certain creepy and gross events to be detailed momentarily, I can tell you without a doubt that it was absolutely amniotic fluid. There is a lot of stuff people don't mention about pregnancy and birth. Weird stuff constantly running out of every orifice is one of those things. So here is the creepy and gross part. At about 3am on the morning of February 17th I awoke to find my pad, underwear and pants soaked through with this mystery fluid. I called the nurse who was a floater from labor and delivery.

"Hey Floater [names have been changed to protect the innocent] um, do you think you could come here for just a sec?"

"Sure"

Click.

I went into the bathroom and changed my pad and undies and took off my pants. I made sure to leave it all on the sink for the nurse. You know nurses, it makes them feel special when you leave them little gifts like that. Crazy girls. I then sat on the side of my bed kindof in shock. Floater came in.

"Hey. So, a lot of fluid just came out of me and soaked through my pad and pants and stuff. It's on the sink"

"I'll be right back. We will put you on the monitor."

She came back with a swab and swabbed the pad. I watched. Its sort of a weird situation. I mean, yeah, I'm socially awkward but I don't think even the suavest of ladies would have known the appropriate thing to do.

"Okay. It is amniotic fluid. Let's get you on the monitors. Go lay down."

That's when the drama hit. Before I even got to the bed there were four or five nurses in there undressing me, putting IVs in, poking and prodding, getting a stretcher, calling the doctor, etc. This is when I got the shakes. Partly because I was naked (for a few minutes) and freezing and partly because it was a bit dramatic. I wasn't freaking out, not my style, and thankfully was still cracking jokes keepin those nurses laughing. I was shaking uncontrollably. It was seriously ridiculous.

This is where you need a little setting. To get into this section of the hospital you have to buzz or have a keycard to get through a locked security door because there are babies in there and apparently they keep those under tight lock and key. They don't want just anyone to walk out with one of those. The entire time I was there they were constantly having issues with the door not working and this night was no exception. One of the babies had messed with their lo jack and set off the alarm. Even though the lo jack had been fixed the alarm wouldn't stop, making it so that no one, not even security could open the door. Well, on the other side of that door was the doctor who needed to examine me. Typical. Excellent. Finally, after the nurses have me strapped to the millions of monitors, a new gown on and an iv in the doc is able to get in. She props me up for a super fun cervical exam and thankfully I wasn't dilated. Since they still don't know for sure whether labor is about to begin and some baby in there has broken water they rush me up on the stretcher (talk about an awkward way to see strangers in an elevator) to the high risk section of l&d. This is where the really fun stuff always happens. Remember that awesome night I had on mag? There was a an incident with a catheter you may recall? No? Well, go do some review. This is that place and guess what... I won the prize! Another 12 hour stint on mag! I know, I am still getting over the jubilation. It wasn't nearly as bad this time because the doctor was there a couple of the times I had to pee and so I was allowed to use the real toilet and all the other times my amazing nurse would just turn off the mag and let me go myself since I wasn't dizzy or weak. Glorious. I was NOT however, very good company for poor Eric. I literally slept the entire time. Even when they wheeled me (on a stretcher of course because I find that so comfortable) up to ultrasound and left me in the hall, I just slept. I was zonked. I was only allowed chicken broth and water. Most people are also allowed apple juice but, of course, I still had the GD (gestational diabetes).

At some point a doctor came in and said "Hi, I'm Doctor Lalalalalala. I met you when you first came in. God, you just keep eking this pregnancy along don't you?!" Yes. Yes I do.

Now when the water first popped I thought that meant we had to deliver. Apparently not. You can go for weeks and weeks with popped water because the baby just pees out more for itself. It is dangerous though because there is a high risk of infection. If your membrane is ruptured (read water broke) you have to be in the hospital until delivery. Also, if you are more than 34 weeks they will deliver immediately because the risk of infection outweighs the risk of prematurity at that point. Now we can all sing the little jingle from The More You Know.

So here I am with a ruptured membrane at 31 weeks, my cervix is still dilated and now basically completely effaced. The doctors had a big discussion and disagreement about whether they should just deliver me at 32 weeks or let me hold out for 34. Since my attending gets the final say I was told that I could hold on to 34 if and only if none of about 400 things happened. There could be no infection, no sign of infection, no labor, no empty sacs, no decels (decelerated heart rates) during any of my twice daily NSTs, and a list of about 394 other things. With all this they sent me back downstairs to wait it out. Things were different. I wasn't allowed to get up as much, wasn't wearing my own clothes (gowns only) and had to wear these weird hospital undies. They are mesh. No, I'm serious, like real mesh. I felt like a proud gay man. I was determined to go to 34 and keep these things cookin. Well... didn't quite happen.

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